Boots Cuten CEO and Brewmaster of Nester's Crotch Craft Brewery of Nester's Crotch offers you an ice-cold Dizzy Deadman - the latest craft beer from his brewery.
The two most famous local brewers have declared a truce in their war for supremacy. After their ugly clash at a recent Golf Tournament at the Hooking Hills Golf Course, a meeting was held in the offices of Attorneys Gaylock and Weiner in an effort to find a way to fend off the ever spiraling list of claimants who say if the two brewers hadn’t been dispensing beer so freely, there would not have been more than 100 DUI arrests on the golf course that day.
Ed Flaming Dog, Angry Native American Brewers CEO and CEO/Brewmaster Boots Cuten of Nester’s Crotch Craft Brewery met with Mo’ Weiner to workout an agreement that would, in Flaming Dog’s words: “Try to mollify the screaming hordes of idiots who want to blame beautifully-crafted beer for causing them to act - and drive - like a$$holes.”
To bring those up to speed who have been living in a cave somewhere, the tournament at Hooking Hills was sponsored by I.M.A.I.D.I.O.T. (Irritated Mothers Against Impaired Drivers Intoxicated or Tipsy) - an organization dedicated to reducing impaired driving. But, after Sheriff Orville Wilburite announced he and his deputies had set a one-day record for DUI arrests at the tournament, Local I.M.A.I.D.I.O.T. Chapter President Devilva Sputz-Demott-Dongler announced the organization would change its focus to teaching those who over-imbibe how to drive more safely while Impaired. “We still want the donations from the beer companies - and we still want to make money with a golf tournament. So, our options were kind of limited,” says Devilva Sputz-Demott-Dongler.
Attorney Gaylock, who helped bring the warring breweries together said he found a way to “bind the wounds inflicted by a nasty Sheriff, poor judgement and a couple of CEOs who think with a six-pack in their hands.” The lawyer, whose current wife is - famously - dating the Assistant Pro at Hooking Hills, Terp Seemly, said he got his inspiration from Sheriff Wilburite who, after making those DUI arrests, confiscated 177 cases of beer and a number of kegs - and donated it all to Spirit House, a local homeless shelter.
“I figured, the Sheriff was onto something. So, I called the breweries and suggested we make a mark on this community that will never be forgotten.” What Gaylock proposed, and both Beer CEOs agreed to, is a deep commitment to community outreach and involvement.
Nester’s Crotch Craft Brewery CEO, Cuten, says “We’re going all-out to let everyone know we’re really here to spread quality and great taste to everyone - no matter their age!”
What Cuten and Flaming Dog have agreed to do is launch a frontal assault on thirst during the warmest month of Summer - for at least 10 years. That means for the next decade, products from both breweries will be freely distributed to anyone and everyone who’s thirsty in Traylor County.
“We will we be combatting thirst at pop-up rest stops along State Route 13, County Route TT, even Old Route 30 North. But, we won’t be doing it on Route 73 S. There’s an old drunk hermit out there who’ll drink us into bankruptcy,” says Flaming Dog.
Cuten continues, “We’ll also be connecting public water fountains to kegs filled with our premium brews. Best of all, I think, on July evenings, we’ll be sending beer dispensing trucks to neighborhoods!” Cuten takes a moment to imagine the magic. “Can’t you just picture everybody running out of their homes yelling for our happy beer men - and women - to stop and cool them off?”
Attorney Weiner says the two breweries have agreed to distribute their newest products - with no question or ID required because, “we’re doing this as a public service to fight thirst in everyone. It’s the right thing to do!”
This reporter asked Sheriff Wilburite if something of this nature has ever been tried in the County. He only paused a moment. “This is the most outlandish, absurd and crazy-assed plan I have ever heard of! But, I’ll tell you this. I wish ‘em luck; because, when it’s hot everybody gets thirsty around here - and those guys are gonna have a time of it trying to keep up with demand!”
Here’s a list of the beers that will be distributed free of charge - everywhere in the County for the month of July by Nester’s Crotch Craft Brewery and Angry Native American Brewery:
Dizzy Deadman - A Kölsch style Ale - by NCCB
Blinded Dog Butt - a tangy Porter with a hint of Assidic overtones - by ANAB
Demonic Snake Head - Dark Stout with a bite - by NCCB
Neutered Ninja - a lite lager with a bit of a kick - by ANAB
Poo - a Winnie the Poo inspired Ale with an aroma that smells like Poo! - by NCCB
Dangerous Dogma - Vienna Lager that the brewer says will have you praying for more - by ANAB.
“Bottom line,” says Flaming Dog, “we’re out to prove two wrongs CAN make a right…if we give it away for free and call it a public service!”
Big Golf Course Community To Be Built In And Over Plunker Caverns!
Even though Developer T. Earl Gerbley is wearing an ankle bracelet while awaiting sentencing on Federal racketeering charges; and, his Golf course development, Persimmon Spires at Poking Buffalo Lake - on sacred Chockasoutauk Tribal land - has been locked down by the Feds, Golf course development continues throughout our area. This week, another Luxury Golf Course Community is on the agenda for the Traylor County Planning and Zoning Commission. The site of the proposed community is west of the incorporated city limits of Persimmon Pines near the entrance to Plunker Caverns State Park.
Developer Winn Lousome, says his company, WinnSome Homes will build 341 luxury homes, 900 condominium units and an 18 hole Golf Course on the 500 acre parcel of land recently purchased from the Estate of the late Chockasoutauk Indian Chief, Barking Eagle. The new development will be called Traylor Park Estates. “We did a lot of research,” says Lousome. “The name Traylor Park Estates seems to pop to the top of every focus group. Plus, we already own the name traylorparkestates.com. So, it was kind of a no-brainer.”
Architect, Spack Limbly, Conceptual Planner with the firm Chalky and Dryer, says the development will have several unique features. “First, because we’re building right on top of the Plunker Caverns cave system - the largest natural cave network in this part of the world - we’ll be able to give some homeowners a basement that opens into the caverns themselves! This has never been done before...unless you count cavemen.”
But, luxury homeowners won’t be the only ones with one-of-a-kind amenities. Lousome says he’s planning a Golf Course that will be unlike any other in the world. “We have found a way to use the interior of Plunker Caverns for two holes of our course.”
Mr. Lousome pulled out a tattered blueprint and unrolled it on the floor. At the top left of the layout, the name of the new course is revealed: The Country Club at Plunkwater Trail. The Developer points to spot in the center. “Our clubhouse will be very near one of the Cavern entrances. It’s big; so big, we won’t have to use a lot of explosives to make it bigger. The Ninth and 18th holes will be played almost entirely inside the cave. And, I think it’s safe to say the 18th hole will be the hardest, darkest, most impossibly spectacular 600 yard par 5 in the history of Golf. It’s the first par five in history that requires you to hit it into a hole on your first shot. And, after players get inside the cave, we’ll make a fortune selling night vision goggles.”
Enthusiasm aside, three imposing forces are rallying against Traylor Park Estates and The Country Club at Plunkwater Trail. The environmental group, People Against Cool Things, the State Department of Parks and Recreation - and the County Planning and Zoning Commission have all stepped forward to voice objections and concerns about the plan.
Julene Huffaton, spokesperson for People Against Cool Things says “PACT stands four- square against the plan because it’s so cool it could literally destroy one of the great natural wonders in the world...or, at least Traylor County.” When asked what, specifically would change, Huffaton explained: “Well, when you blow a hole in a natural wonder, that’s going to change things.” When pressed for more, the spokesperson said, “Let’s not forget that Plunker Caverns is home to the Persimmon Flea-Back Bat. This is a unique creature which lives its entire adult life with its little back covered in fleas. If that bat disappears - what happens to the fleas?”
For his part, Developer Lousome says there is no proof that the Persimmon Flea-Back Bat will be endangered by the alterations that Traylor Park Estates would necessitate in Plunker Caverns. “The proof is in the pudding,” says Lousome as he sprays flea and tick repellant on his head. “Let me build this magnificent Golf Course development - and let’s see what happens. Isn’t that fair? Pick up that fly swatter and slap my head a few times.”
Gary DeRath, Chairman of the County P&Z says he expects fireworks to erupt as soon as he gavels the meeting to order. “And,” says DeRath, “I’d like to remind everyone that we have an ordinance in the County that makes indoor fireworks illegal.”
This reporter called State Parks and Rec Commissioner, Jumbo Leggins for a comment. He says he is “officially against the development of the interior parts of this irreplaceable natural treasure, because it would break several very old state laws. However,” said the former star running back for U. State, “the laws ARE old. If there’s a little somethin’ somethin’ in the kitty for the State Treasury, I imagine we can figure this out in a way where everyone benefits. Uh, this is off the record. Right?”
Record or not, there will be some loud voices in opposition to the plans. One of those is Purple Rayne Dibbledick, daughter of the late Chief Barking Eagle (who always preferred to be known as B. Eagle). “We sold my father’s land because we wanted money. But, we didn’t want this! We aren’t going to give the money back. But, we’d rather they develop something that would be meaningful to the community.” Dibbledick, wife of Proudfood Dibbledick, himself a Native American and Instructor of Natural History at Traylor Community College says, among the suggestions she has for Lousome: “A buffalo skinning area, a TeePee village made with Legos or maybe just don’t do anything. But, we won’t give the money back.”
Lousome says he’s not concerned. “I came here to Traylor County to try to make it a better place. If I can’t do that, I’ll do the best I can to make it a different place. And, if I can’t do that, I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that the folks who live here never forget my name.”
Larry Caringer has been writing humor for broadcast for a long time. Now, he's writing it for you. The stories, here, are from a collection of short stories from his book "Golf Beat: A Year in the Life of Persimmon Pines."