Boots Cuten CEO and Brewmaster of Nester's Crotch Craft Brewery of Nester's Crotch offer you an ice-cold Dizzy Deadman - the latest craft beer from his brewery.
The two most famous local brewers have declared a truce in their war for supremacy. After their ugly clash at a recent Golf Tournament at the Hooking Hills Golf Course, a meeting was held in the offices of Attorneys Gaylock and Weiner in an effort to find a way to fend off the ever spiraling list of claimants who say if the two brewers hadn’t been dispensing beer so freely, there would not have been more than 100 DUI arrests on the golf course that day.
Ed Flaming Dog, Angry Native American Brewers CEO and CEO/Brewmaster Boots Cuten of Nester’s Crotch Craft Brewery met with Mo’ Weiner to workout an agreement that would, in Flaming Dog’s words: “Try to mollify the screaming hordes of idiots who want to blame beautifully-crafted beer for causing them to act - and drive - like a$$holes.”
To bring those up to speed who have been living in a cave somewhere, the tournament at Hooking Hills was sponsored by I.M.A.I.D.I.O.T. (Irritated Mothers Against Impaired Drivers Intoxicated or Tipsy) - an organization dedicated to reducing impaired driving. But, after Sheriff Orville Wilburite announced he and his deputies had set a one-day record for DUI arrests at the tournament, Local I.M.A.I.D.I.O.T. Chapter President Devilva Sputz-Demott-Dongler announced the organization would change its focus to teaching those who over-imbibe how to drive more safely while Impaired. “We still want the donations from the beer companies - and we still want to make money with a golf tournament. So, our options were kind of limited,” says Devilva Sputz-Demott-Dongler.
Attorney Gaylock, who helped bring the warring breweries together said he found a way to “bind the wounds inflicted by a nasty Sheriff, poor judgement and a couple of CEOs who think with a six-pack in their hands.” The lawyer, whose current wife is - famously - dating the Assistant Pro at Hooking Hills, Terp Seemly, said he got his inspiration from Sheriff Wilburite who, after making those DUI arrests, confiscated 177 cases of beer and a number of kegs - and donated it all to Spirit House, a local homeless shelter.
“I figured, the Sheriff was onto something. So, I called the breweries and suggested we make a mark on this community that will never be forgotten.” What Gaylock proposed, and both Beer CEOs agreed to, is a deep commitment to community outreach and involvement.
Nester’s Crotch Craft Brewery CEO, Cuten, says “We’re going all-out to let everyone know we’re really here to spread quality and great taste to everyone - no matter their age!”
What Cuten and Flaming Dog have agreed to do is launch a frontal assault on thirst during the warmest month of Summer - for at least 10 years. That means for the next decade, products from both breweries will be freely distributed to anyone and everyone who’s thirsty in Traylor County.
“We will we be combatting thirst at pop-up rest stops along State Route 13, County Route TT, even Old Route 30 North. But, we won’t be doing it on Route 73 S. There’s an old drunk hermit out there who’ll drink us into bankruptcy,” says Flaming Dog.
Cuten continues, “We’ll also be connecting public water fountains to kegs filled with our premium brews. Best of all, I think, on July evenings, we’ll be sending beer dispensing trucks to neighborhoods!” Cuten takes a moment to imagine the magic. “Can’t you just picture everybody running out of their homes yelling for our happy beer men - and women - to stop and cool them off?”
Attorney Weiner says the two breweries have agreed to distribute their newest products - with no question or ID required because, “we’re doing this as a public service to fight thirst in everyone. It’s the right thing to do!”
This reporter asked Sheriff Wilburite if something of this nature has ever been tried in the County. He only paused a moment. “This is the most outlandish, absurd and crazy-assed plan I have ever heard of! But, I’ll tell you this. I wish ‘em luck; because, when it’s hot everybody gets thirsty around here - and those guys are gonna have a time of it trying to keep up with demand!”
Here’s a list of the beers that will be distributed free of charge - everywhere in the County for the month of July by Nester’s Crotch Craft Brewery and Angry Native American Brewery:
Dizzy Deadman - A Kölsch style Ale - by NCCB
Blinded Dog Butt - a tangy Porter with a hint of Assidic overtones - by ANAB
Demonic Snake Head - Dark Stout with a bite - by NCCB
Neutered Ninja - a lite lager with a bit of a kick - by ANAB
Poo - a Winnie the Poo inspired Ale with an aroma that smells like Poo! - by NCCB
Dangerous Dogma - Vienna Lager that the brewer says will have you praying for more - by ANAB.
“Bottom line,” says Flaming Dog, “we’re out to prove two wrongs CAN make a right…if give it away for free and call it a public service!”
Larry Caringer has been writing humor for broadcast for a long time. Now, he's writing it for you. The stories, here, are from a collection of short stories from his book "Golf Beat: A Year in the Life of Persimmon Pines."